open my world


I'm off to Canada tomorrow to join David for eight days after his conference concludes.

Having never travelled overseas before, it's beyond exciting.

I think back to when I was 25 and I remember laying in bed in misery in one of the more sad and trapped moments of my marriage. Of course there were good moments but years of unemployment, emotional unrest and self esteem eroding turmoil, dependency and pseudo monogamous castle walls had me feeling locked and lost to my goals. I remember thinking I would never have a job I liked, a relationship I liked, travel or have a family. Adventures and fulfilment felt like things for other people. The certainty of it was too weighty to adequately convey.

And now I have a job I'm passionate about, a relationship that fulfils me to the moon and back, I'm going on a really big adventure tomorrow, and we are planning a family. I'm also well, functional, have community and savings.

It seems unreal that I have these things. But I know I've paid my pound of flesh in pain and personal work to have them; no silver spoon in this mouth.

I'm full of nervous energy and double checking of lists and as Cassie said, I won't relax until I sit down on the plane.

Photos to come as I explore the country of my best love.


open my world

The end of the past.

After years of hurting, it took a few emails to close the deep rift between myself and John this week.

My first husband, first big love, and what I thought would the love of my life (I was wrong on that front). A person through whom I experienced both anguish and deep exhilaration.

And now I feel so at peace and it is a peace and a closure I have needed for too long and now it is done and I can walk forward.

No longer in bitterness. But in peace. All is buried and all is well.

I am so terribly grateful for the amnesty between us. I am having a wee happy cry in the toilets at work.

The future is all I am now. The present too.

Thank you, J.


Netbook action

I'm buying my first very own new computer tonight! One I chose and is straight up outta the manufacturer. I almost never buy things new so that's...strange feeling.

I'm getting it so Librarian and I can Skype like crazy when he abandons me goes back to Canada for the 4.5 month stint. You know, so I don't resort to packing myself in a shipping box and posting myself. That may still happen...

Also, so I can do Tafe assignments because I've found it hard on my back injury and desire for portability to have a home pc with a desk. I like the idea of taking notes on my lappy in class too - more organised. And I'm the most disorganised in my class (everyone jokes affectionately about it!)

It's this guy, if you're interested -

It is dual core, which I know is good. Also a more expensive budget one and I plan to get an extended warranty if I can afford to. I trust Asus as a brand for netbooks - I have many friends with them, and they're all happy.

Anyway. I'm excited.

Most important thing? If they have them in stock mine will be RED. And I plan to sticker it good. :D I actually wanted to make a big sticker of the rainbow picture 11 y/o D made me at work that is permanent on my fridge, and stick it on my compy lid. But I don't know how I'd do that.


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The shakes

I miss handwriting things.

Trying to write a play experience plan for school's so hard. My hands convulse, jerk and run away from the paper.

Some lines work and make sense and others are a ragged rash of ink stumbling out across the a4.

I get a bit discouraged to be honest. Not enough to give up but enough to put my tea down for a moment.

Then I start again, gripping hard and soft, altering in rounds in an attempt to bring forth a formula's appearance where my hands will quiet and the jellyfish pulsing will leave. And I can write long flowing paragraphs without a heightened awareness of my muscles, tendons, nerves and the flicking jumping jerking wriggling tremors...

Behind it, in a layer I'm only sometimes aware of, is a slow shiver that works its way down my spine. It starts some place behind my head and then slips and shimmies down me so my teeth always slightly chatter.

I feel like a house in the act of falling down but held together by invisible breath.

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